The Dean
- leaps tall buildings in a single bound
- is more powerful than a speeding locomotive
- is faster than a speeding bullet
- walks on water
- gives policy to God
The Department Head
- leaps short buildings in a single bound
- is more powerful than a switch engine
- is as fast as a speeding bullet
- walks on water if the sea is calm
- talks with God
The Full Professor
- leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
- is almost as powerful as a switch engine
- is faster than a speeding BB
- walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
- talks with God if special request is approved
The Associate Professor
- barely clears a quonset hut
- loses tug-of-war with a switch engine
- can fire a speeding bullet
- swims well
- is occasionally addressed by God
The Assistant Professor
- makes high marks on walls when trying to leap tall buildings
- is run over by locomotives
- can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
- can dog-paddle
- talks to animals
The Instructor
- climbs real well
- rides the rails
- plays Russian Roulette
- walks on thin ice
- prays a lot
The Graduate Student
- runs into buildings
- recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times
- is not issued ammunition
- can stay afloat with life jacket
- talks to walls
The Undergraduate Student
- falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
- says "look at the choo-choo!"
- wets self with a water pistol
- plays in mud puddles
- mutters to self
The Departmental Secretary
- lifts buildings and walks under them
- kicks locomotives off the tracks
- catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
- freezes water with a single glance
- God
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